Apply to be Psychonaut's girlfriend

In the interests of cutting down on the number of marriage proposals I receive in my daily fan mail, I have decided to expedite the courtship process with this handy girlfriend application form. Prospective soul-mates can now try their hand at winning me over through this completely automated procedure.

ATTENTION! This page is currently under construction and the form does not work. Please don't fill it out expecting it to do anything — your answers aren't even sent to me. For now, consider it to be entertainment purposes only. :)

Contact information
My name is:
My e-mail address is:
My home page URL is:	http:// I don't have a home page
My geographical location is:	Africa Antarctica Asia Australia Europe Middle East North America Pacific islands South America
I currently live:	in a house in a flat in a dormitory in a cardboard box in Cell Block D on deathrow I still live with my parents
Physical characteristics
Gender-wise, I am:	male female hermaphroditic androgynous not sure
Age-wise, I am:	prenatal 0–17 18–21 22–25 26–36 ancient
Height-wise, I am:	a smurf 120–149 cm 150–159 cm 160–169 cm 170–179 cm 180–189 cm 190–199 cm an Amazon a backwards, metric-impaired American
Weight-wise, I am:	a toothpick very much below average for my height somewhat below average for my height about average for my height somewhat above average for my height very much above average for my height a beached whale I ate a beached whale
Race-wise, I am:	black white yellow red brown chocolate with coloured sprinkles
Colour-wise, my hair is:	black blonde dark brown grey light brown platinum blonde red white fluorescent red/blue/green/orange/purple ultraviolet or infrared
Length-wise, my hair is:	down to my hips down to my back down to my shoulders down to my neck short shorter shorn
Colour-wise, my eyes are:	black blue brown green grey albino pink on one side of my face, like a flounder
Shape-wise, my eyes are:	almond-shaped sunken narrow slits big and wide-set normal-looking cross-eyed I'm a cyclops.
My cheeks are:	red and rosy sunken well-contoured bony Which cheeks?
My nose is:	amorphous average-looking bulbous Grecian hawkish hook-nosed sharp and pointed turned up wide and flat nonexistent after the rhinectomy…
My lips are:	very thin average-looking very thick pouty perpetually smiling cracked and bleeding puffy like a bee stung them
Distinguishing facial features: (check all that apply)	acne arched eyebrows buckteeth cleft palate dimple doe eyes and fluttery eyelashes vampire fangs freckles Gorbachev-style birthmark mezzobrow (à la Bert) mole moustache tattoo underbite wart a winning smile a winning scowl
Eyewear:	small, thin glasses large, thin glasses small, thick glasses large, thick glasses sunglasses contact lenses none a monocle double monocle
Jewelry: (check all that apply)	garland crown tiara head circlet bracelet bracer anklet earring (earlobe) earring (other) necklace subcutaneous ball bearings tongue piercing ornamental claw nose ring finger ring toe ring eyebrow ring nipple ring bellybutton ring genital ring stacked neck rings ring of fire protection +5
School & work
Highest level of education obtained:	GED high school technical/trade school some university undergraduate degree graduate degree I can count to ten.
I majored in:	administration prestidigitation biochemistry biology chemistry classics computer science criminal justice deforestation defenestration drama economics education English journalism law applied linguistics theoretical linguistics mathematics medicine music nothing philosophy physical education physics political science psychology social work sociology visual arts other
Current employment:	sales/customer service technical/tradesperson professional self-employed independently wealthy "Would you like fries with that?" "Will work for food."
Recreational drugs
I drink alcohol:	never seldom sometimes often like a fish, yeshiree.
I use tobacco:	never seldom sometimes often I live in an iron lung.
I smoke marijuana:	never I've smoked once, but didn't inhale. seldom sometimes often Uh, I forget. What were we talking about?
I take LSD:	never seldom sometimes often I'm an alien from another world.
Mental stability
Crimes committed: (check all that apply)	jaywalking speeding shoplifting indecent exposure robbery assault with a deadly weapon racketeering sedition regicide
Mental disorders: (check all that apply)	amnesia generalized anxiety dementia hebephrenia hypocondriasis kleptomania lycanthropy megalomania melancholia narcolepsy obsessive-compulsive disorder paranoia pathological liar pyromania schizophrenia Tourette's syndrome xenophobia
Religious affiliation:	athiest agnostic other Shouldn't there be more options?
Love, sex, marriage
I am currently:	single seeing someone married divorced widowed soon to be divorced soon to be widowed <evil laugh>
My thoughts on children:	They're lovely, and I'd like some. They're nice, but I certainly don't want any. Infanticide is a favour, not a crime.
A romantic evening is:	walking down the beach at sunset watching sitcoms on the couch getting stoned/drunk out of our minds a candlelit dinner for two watching a football match philosophical conversation f*cking like bunnies spending it with someone other than Psychonaut
I want to be Psychonaut's girlfriend because:	no one else will it's the "in" thing to do and I want to be "with it" I pity his loneliness I lost a bet I'm a masochist I'm certifiably insane I'm bored I'll sign up for a "free" anything
Sexual preferences: (check all that apply)	abstinence anal sex asphyxiation bondage coprophagy cross dressing cunnilinguis cybersex enemas exhibitionism fellatio infantilism masochism necrophilia orgies paedophilia phone sex plushies for procreation only sadism theophilia voyeurism zoophilia
My orgasms' traits: (check all that apply)	largely uneventful very quiet very loud loud enough to hear blocks away captured on film/video many times screaming barking and yelping frenetic praying clawing and scratching putting holes in the walls I've sent many a partner to the hospital I cry I pass out I throw up

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